What Am I For?

What am I for?  What are we for? And why does it matter?

This question recently came from a book of the same title when a past co-worker challenged our team to read it and ask the question of both ourselves and our organization.  Asking the question and seeking to determine answers was more complicated than I expected, but it began a pursuit in me of seeking joy that has shaped the past couple years of my life specifically.  

I need to confess that although my life was full of adventurous opportunities through my work and the opportunity to explore the outdoors in my free time, I can't say that I was as content deep within myself as I may have projected.  And probably the most confusing part was that I was a follower of Jesus and one of the foundational aspects of being a "Christian" was that our "God shaped hole in our heart is full."  Now, I'm not suggesting that I wasn't joyful or that I was miserable all the time, heck no!  But I was beginning to notice how easily it was for me to see the negative in any given situation and to focus on that.  Part of that is an interior desire to fix things and so my solution oriented brain needed to see the negative in order to understand a way forward to a positive solution.  Fair enough.  But it was when I realized that subconsciously I was beginning to "want" to see the negative; that my brain was staying there, focussing on the bad instead of looking for the good.  It was an "ah-hah" moment for me.

What was I for?

This began a pursuit of joy whereby I wanted to re-train my mind to take better notice of the good in things instead of the bad. Two things helped and challenged me on this journey. 

First, as I began to learn that "Christ" was not just Jesus' last name (which it isn't btw!), or that "The Christ" wasn't just in Jesus (Read "Universal Christ" by Richard Rohr on this), but rather that Christ was indeed "In all and through all," opened my mind and heart to look for Christ everywhere.  This doesn't mean that Christ is literally "in" everything (Pantheism) or that Christ is the reason why bad things happen to people, but rather, where is Christ within our situations and how can we participate in the story of redemption in and through even the difficult times in our lives (Panentheism).  

Second, I had to begin intentionally "wanting" to unlearn ideas, ideologies, doctrines, methodologies, which prevented me from seeing Christ in everything.  This would prove to be (and continues to be!!!) quite difficult.  Science has shown us that our brains tend towards negativity (Google dopamine and cortisol and how they work neurologically).  It's just easier for our brains to lean into negativity because it sticks better.  Negativity is like Velcro in our minds and positivity is like Teflon; we find ourselves remembering that one negative thing someone said rather than the numerous positive things others have said. Just think of the times you've gone to purchase something and when you go to the "Reviews" section you want to see if anyone has left a negative opinion of the product and how even if there's only a few poor reviews among thousands of good ones it influences your decision.  But back to the point, I needed to choose to want to be wrong...not about what was ahead, but what was behind.  

You see, our lives are made up of experiences and we gain much wisdom through those experiences, so we hold onto them and let them inform our lives.  As we do this we develop biases, and biases are what give us our knee-jerk reactions to everyday situations.  If we grew up with a scarcity bias because we hardly ever had enough as a family, then we will bring that bias with us into our adult lives as well.  We may constantly be worried about whether we have enough and may end up saving or storing things unnecessarily.  We see this in people we may call "Hoarders" or the other side of it may be someone who's a minimalist not for simplicity sake but because they are afraid to buy themselves anything in fear that a purchase might result in them not having enough for something else more important down the road.  I struggle with this one on both ends, but mostly on the hoarding side.

Other biases we quite easily adopt are comfort and confirmation biases.  Our comfort bias is that little voice inside us which says we shouldn't rock the boat and we must avoid change at all costs because it's gonna hurt (financially, lifestyle, friendships) and we'd rather put up with what we're used to than disrupt our lives (or others) to embrace something new.  Our confirmation bias quite simply whispers in our ear that we are right and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.  We want to hear things we agree with and we want to be with others who think like us.  These biases are so engrained within our lives and our culture that they're almost invisible; that we could say they don't exist is understandable because they've become so commonplace in how our minds respond to everyday life that we don't even know they're there!

As I began to do the work of looking inside my own life and discovering my own biases, I began to realize just how shaped I've been by my surroundings.  And much of it has been incredibly positive and encouraging, and some of it less so.  But as I began to sit with these biases and ask some difficult questions of why I believe what I do about myself, others, God, the Bible, Church, culture, different personalities, different perspectives, different religions or beliefs, I began to realize how much I am a product of my experiences.

Whether it's childhood experiences, things I learned through education, the structure of my family, my work experiences, the books I'd read, the mentors I'd had, and the friends I grew up and building a deep trust and confidence in...all these things had shaped me.  And what I began to realize is that each one of us has been shaped by our experiences and as adults, who are free to make choices about our lives, I struggled to understand why it was so difficult to consider change.

As I began to journey into discovering more deeply what I was "For," I was confronted by my biases and how established they were in my mind.  Quite often my heart would want to pull me in a certain direction but my mind would pull me back into "safety."  And this is entirely natural by the way; our "Fight or Flight" tendencies have naturally developed over the centuries and millennia in order to protect us.  Today we may need less protection than our earlier brothers and sisters who lived in caves or castles in times long ago, but nonetheless that "Fight or Flight" response is so easily triggered as we go about our lives each day.  Why was it that when my heart yearned to do one thing my brain would say the opposite?  For me this question would lead me deep into my past and into a more open and honest posture of discovering which things in my life were maybe not necessary any longer.

What I discovered was that I couldn't just "think" myself into more joy.  What I needed to do was to make space in my head and my heart for joy to take root.  And one of the areas which took up the most brain space in my life was how I thought about God.  As someone who went through an existential crisis in my late teens and found that turning to Christ was what helped me change course, I had to admit that that decision carried weight; it mattered.  That decision to follow Christ would indeed shape the way my life trajectory would go and I cannot, and do not, regret it.  But I picked things up along the way, as we do. 

As my life shifted towards a higher involvement within the local church I realized that because I believed differently and chose to behave differently, I was (somewhat reluctantly by a few) welcomed into the tribe as it were.  This was actually really huge for me.  An entire new group of peer friends (especially as a teenager) would become my new support group and we would seek to challenge each other to live more righteous lives.  And this wasn't a bad thing.  We all maybe needed some encouragement now and then to make better choices.  And the more I felt I belonged the more I felt I had a responsibility to hold up the beliefs and behaviours of my new tribe.  And why wouldn't I?  They embraced me, taught me, mentored me, were gracious and patient and loving towards me.  I would begin to do the things my tribe did so as to secure my place within it.  I would get baptized, read my bible, make numerous attempts at trying to remain "pure," and pray a lot.  This would become what I was "For."  I was "For" my tribe.  I was "For" the way we did things, because in doing so meant I could belong.  And belonging is one of the most fundamental needs each one of us has as humans.

But what I noticed early on was that not everyone wanted to be part of our tribe, and not everyone wanted to follow our rules, and not everyone was convinced that our tribe was always right.  But for many years, decades even, I would grow deeper in my convictions that my tribe WAS right, and those outside of my tribe were wrong.  So wrong, in fact, that their eternal lives were at stake.  And this narrative, this believing that we had the right answers, would serve to justify just about anything we said or did.  And the longer I stayed the easier it got.  The more opportunities I had to teach and train others to be like us, to become part of our tribe, the more convinced we were right. I was given praises and positions of influence and authority to do such things.  And it only served to boost my ego and root my beliefs deeper within me.

And when others would leave or break free from our tribe the finger pointing would begin...myself being one of them.  How dare someone think that life is better outside of our tribe.  They'd be back.  And if not then maybe they were just an imposter all along...not really part of our tribe.  Maybe they were...a wolf in sheep's clothing!  And perhaps the most terrifying thing for me was when I began to wonder if I myself was one of the wolves, someone who was no longer accepting everything my tribe held dear and therefore an imposter.  What if I wasn't saved?  What if I was possessed by the devil?  What if I was going to hell?  These questions would delay, for years, possibly decades, my ability to be open and honest about my questions, concerns, and even different ideas about God, Jesus, and the Bible.

But as I read more broadly and observed others navigating the deep waters of doubt and questioning, it gave me courage to do the same.  Over the course of about 17yrs I would choose to allow certain tensions or conflicting thoughts about God to sit within me. This would be both terrifying and liberating at the same time.  It would open my heart and mind to a God way bigger than I had been told to believe in and would also open me up to potentially losing my place in my tribe...and possibly losing my tribe entirely.  

The paradox for me was that the bigger and more mysterious God became, the more free and liberated I became too.  What I once feared would be a "losing of my faith" would actually become the journey of a much deeper faith!  And the more open I became the more liberated my heart was to embrace others in new ways...and this right here is what probably "pushed me over the edge" as it were.

For much of my life, at least my "Christian" life, the question was not what was I "For," but rather what and who was I against.  "We" were against "Them."  And we were right and they were wrong, and we needed to let them know and we needed to create systematic doctrinal apologetics to prove it.  Whether it was other religious groups, or even other "Christians," if they weren't like us then they were wrong...or at least not as right as we were anyways.  You can see how this mindset might set one up for a life of pride or arrogance?  And you can see how this way of thinking, this dualistic us/them, in/out, right/wrong way of believing might cause those on the "outside" to feel unwelcome.  And for anyone inside the tribe to consider thinking differently the dangers included being cast out, shunned, called out, shamed, and even abused (mentally, emotionally, spiritually...and even physically abused).  So the stakes were actually quite high.  The very tribe that once treated you like one of their own might also become the tribe that would shun you.  For many they say it's like walking on eggshells...tread lightly for if you make a squeak you might get found out...and if you're found out then there will be consequences.  So many simply sit and tow the party line.  Call it comfort bias or call it fear, but I know there's deep seated fear for those who yearn for a more honest and open expression of their faith compared to what they grew up in but do not want to risk belonging.

And so it came to pass that I would find myself stepping more boldly into expressing my questions and doubts.  This boldness would lead to further boldness until it eventually led to me needing to depart from my tribes.  The first would be my ability to officiate weddings through the denomination who held my license because they are not affirming of LGBTQ+ marriages and I had become affirming (this took way longer than necessary and my hope is that others do not need to process this decision for as long as I did...because it resulted in a lot of pain).  This was a denomination I had been a part of since I was a child.  Born and raised, served as a volunteer, interned, attended their Seminary, became a pastor, preached, taught, stood up for, and greatly enjoyed the network of people I called friends...and in one phone call it would all change...I was on the outside looking in...I was no longer part of the tribe.  The next would be stepping down from the Board at my local church and removing my membership because I was seeking to start a new faith community in town and it would not align with more than a few of the "absolutes" doctrinally.  Although I continue to experience friendships with people within that church, it is most likely because of my choice to not attend any longer that there is an obvious distancing taking place.  And then there's my previous employment whereby it became quite clear that to stay would go against their statement of faith and so my exit was immanent.  And lastly, my close friends. Although I still see them as that, I know that my stepping away from what we grew up believing has its consequences.  I know they genuinely love me and want what's best for me, but I also presume what they think is best is for me to come back to the tribe, and that simply is something I cannot consider at this point.  Now that God has become so much bigger, universally inclusive, and beyond our human ability to erect walls and borders, to go back would be to rebuild those walls and shut people out.  And I simply do not see how doing so is Christlike any longer.

So what am I FOR?

Well, my most natural response is to make a list of things I am against, because that brain thing again!

But I will do my best here to succinctly articulate what I am FOR...

1. God.  The I AM which is throughout and beyond our imaginations, yet intimately close and knowable.

2. Christ.  The I AM within each one of us, created in that image, yearning to create grace and love.

3. Bible. A gathering of sacred texts which help to inform us of how one tribe of people experienced God.

4. Inclusion.  All are more than welcome...all belong.  Belonging is not about being a lemming, but rather about knowing you are loved because you're human.

5. Boundaries.  When words and actions result in abuse and harm we need to acknowledge them and seek to understand why they exist and how to learn to make necessary changes towards love and grace.

6. Lived out values.  May we be guilty of the greatest of commandments, to love God and neighbour as ourselves.  Until we can do this we should not give any other command more authority.

7. Generosity.  Not just financial, but in how we see others.  May we seek to find the good in others and then multiply that with generous hearts.

8. Kingdom of Heaven/God.  As Jesus prayed, "Thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven."  The kingdom on earth is one where the universal inclusive nature of God's love reigns.  Humans are the conduits of this love...may we seek to find it within ourselves and extend it to others.

9. Redemption.  This narrative flows throughout the Bible and is what always undergirds the stories we find within.  Redemption is about hope, peace, unity, and belonging...may we seek to redeem our everyday lives as we journey together into whatever lies ahead.

10. Honesty.  We need to create safe spaces for people to share honestly about their doubts and struggles without feeling like they are walking on eggshells; that to share openly does not threaten your place of belonging among us and only serves to create opportunities for others to extend compassion, grace, and forgiveness.

11. Posture of humility.  As we engage one another may we truly listen and seek to understand our differences from a perspective of wanting to learn.

Obviously no list is ever complete, but eleven is enough to give you an idea of what I'm "For."

May we seek to create spaces where others can journey honestly into their doubts and questions without fearing they might not belong...may we embrace Christ, be Christ, and extend Christ to ourselves and our neighbours.

Shalom Friends :-)